Do you use music to scene on?

We do very often. Music is extremely important to us. It can take over your body and flow through your veins like fire. It gives me courage and it can put me in certain mindsets within seconds.


Measurements?

Um...

161 cm (5'3), b-cup, 55-63 kilos (120-138 pounds) depending on his preferences and shoe size 36 which I've been told is size 6 in the U.S.


Does he love you? Is he romantic?

My owner tells me that he loves me several times a day and he's a very romantic man. He takes me out, buys me flowers and little presents, writes me poems and love notes, cooks my favorite food, makes me laugh, takes long warm baths with me, cuddles with me every day...there are so many ways he shows his love for me.


Do you love others in a romantic way?

I have loved one other person in a romantic way but not as much (and in the same way) as I love Daddy. I still love her but it's complicated and things have changed between us. I don't consider us together anymore as far as it was possible to be together while being owned by others.


How did your relationship with your daddy start?

We met at a party that was given by my sorority when I was studying Law. I was trying my best to be the perfect wallflower when he suddenly sat down next to me and started chatting with me. A few days after the party he suddenly stood at my doorstep and from that moment he was a part of my life. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how we got to where we are now but that's how it started.


Were you ever equals?

No, he has always been the one that taught me things that he thought I should know about, took me to places without consulting me, made "suggestions" to me about what to wear, etc which I for some reason I have followed from the start.


Is it always easy to submit to him?

Sometimes he expects things from me that I find very difficult to submit to. Actually, I don't think in some of such cases I submit at all and it's more a matter of being taken, forced and pushed than anything else.


What about in the beginning?

From the moment he met me he has slowly but surely pushed me into the direction that he had in mind for me using subtle force and manipulation. Although in the beginning the things he made me do (or what he did to me) were less edgy, the way he introduced them in my life has always been the same: with patience and by being consequent. My reaction/feelings towards it are usually similar: scared, nervous and excited. Eventually the scared part disappears a little and is mostly replaced by acceptance.


Do your family and friends know the details?

All our non-kinky family and friends see an old fashioned marriage in which he leads and I follow. They know I don't go anywhere without him or someone he approves of and that I never pick up the phone or open the door. Details such as the whoring me out, cutting me, beating me and all those other lovely things are none of their business. :)


If you have a baby, won't that change everything?

I don't know. I've never had a baby and I never really know what Daddy has in mind for my future. I imagine things like being able to go somewhere whenever we feel like it will be different because then we'll have the responsibility of a child. I'm sure our priorities will be different when/if we become parents. A lot of things will stay the same though.

A while ago I received questions in my mailbox and I didn't understand why until just now when I found out that apparently I've missed "question month". lol.


Does your owner have other slaves/fetish partners/lovers? How do you feel about that?

He's had slaves/bottoms/submissive partners besides me but he released them when he decided to marry me. There are other women that I consider his girlfriends and some of them have always been there. I don't have a problem with it at all. He's happy like this and that's what matters to me.

It's actually exciting to me when he lets me know that he needs others besides me to satisfy his sexual needs. It humbles me and it hurts my heart as well as my cunt which is a pain I crave very much.


I've seen you mention bestiality. What animal are we talking about?

That's a difficult one. I actually never fantasize about having sex with an animal and I don't think my owner fantasizes about that either.

What appeals us to it is the fact that it emphasizes that I'm just another pet to him and that I am a sexual (female) animal that exists to please other (male) animals.


Why did you leave your previous journal? You wrote that you were not going to write anymore and yet you have appeared again in humble_doll

I left it because I was honestly not going to write about my kinky life again but it only took me about three months to realize that I missed the interaction with likeminded people. When I asked if I could start again, my owner told me that I could if I would only share kinky stuff in here and nothing personal. I am also not allowed to write about certain people anymore because they were uncomfortable with it. I'm basically here until (if) I get pregnant and then he will think this journaling thing over again.


Where does the name come from?

You mean humble doll? It's something he came up with while we were listening to Patti Scialfa's Rumble Doll which is one of my favorite songs. I've always thought of myself as a ragdoll: stitched together out of different pieces and made to be played with. Instead of "rumble" he put "humble" because that's what I try to be every day.





Time for bed now. I'll try to answer some more another time.

I think Daddy broke my uterus. He made me cum over and over last night and now it hurts like a giant muscle ache. Also, I think my clit is stuck in horny mode.

My owner tied me to the bed this afternoon and he told me to be a good whore for him today. He left me alone for a while until the bedroom door opened again and a friend of his came in. There were no words of courtesy and there was no small talk. The only talking he did was informing me which positions he wanted me to assume. He fucked me, took care of his needs and before disappearing again he left 50 Euros on my owner's side of the bed.

I laid there for about half an hour with this man's cum running out of me before my owner came in. He told me I'd been a good little whore for him and that he would be spending the money on this new computer game he has been wanting for a while. When he asked if I had enjoyed it I was forced to tell him that I did because that was the truth. Not the physical aspect of it but what it did to me mentally made me almost orgasm while his friend was using me.

My owner laughed and he said that me enjoying it not only makes me a whore but a slut as well and he made me fetch his knife so that he could give me a reminder for the days to come.

( Bloody slut )

I wonder if I'm the only one that always sees the blood appear before feeling the knife going into my skin. It's almost as if my brains need time to believe that someone is actually cutting my body. Often he will blindfold me before doing this and I realized today that I prefer that instead of knowing that it's coming. I don't like giving my fantasy the time to run wild and create a giant bloodbath in my head when in reality it's going to be a beautiful piece of art.

Note to self: Thoughts about painting the ceiling of the dungeon pink during a session are best when kept to myself.

Tomorrow is day number 42 of the diet from hell and according to my owner it's not going to end any time soon. Every now and then the realization hits me that he could keep me suffering like this for the rest of my life and I completely panic.

And why wouldn't he continue this? It's certainly cheaper and he doesn't have to spend any energy on deciding whether or not I get to have anything good because the answer is always no.

I feel miserable because I'm tired and cold all the time which makes me grumpy. He has told me to watch my tone twice already. How unfair is that?? He's making me feel like utter crap but he still expects me to smile and look happy.

I even have dreams about eating things that I'm not allowed. Just a simple piece of white bread with cheese sounds like heaven right now. See what he did to me?? I'm not even fantasizing about candy anymore!! If there was a Meanest Owner Of The Year Award it would definitely go to him.

Today is not a good day. I hope tomorrow will be better. I think he's taking me into the forests again because he needs to take some pictures. That will hopefully take my mind off french fries, bread and other goodies.

I have to snap out of this and stop whining. He has his reasons and even though I don't always see them that doesn't mean that they're not there. Even if this is just happening for his amusement I should be happy and grateful that I can please him.

Spent some wonderfully exciting days in the forests with some friends and apparently found my writing mojo again.

There's going to be a wedding next week which has been on my mind for a while now. It won't be a very romantic one because Satish is marrying Amber so that he may stay in this country. What's fascinating to me about the whole thing is that they both belong to someone else and that they don't love each other. Both owners came to an agreement and as a result their slaves are going to spend the rest of their lives married to someone they would never marry if given the choice.

I am completely in awe of their devotion and submission.

I have changed the username of this journal from ds_pauline to humble_doll mainly because (as most of you know) her name is not actually Pauline and it was just a short term solution until I could think of something I liked better.

I'm keeping her a little busy these days so she is not online a lot right now but she'll be back soon enough.

Regards,

T

The first part of this week was mostly about me feeling like Cinderella which was rough and dirty but mostly very lovely because it brought back memories of when I was little and wanted to be just like her. Of course when I say Cinderella I mean the maid Cinderella and not princess Cinderella. I wonder how many other little girls out there fantasize about becoming a maid one day instead of a princess. Heh.

Monday morning I was shoved out of bed at 5 and sent outside where a big pile of wood was waiting for me to be chopped into fire wood. Around noon my owner came outside with a chain which he used to lock me to one of the tractor machineries he has standing there. He left me a bowl of water and patted me on the head before disappearing through the gate and into his car. When he came home it was already dark and I had changed the wood pile into a nice stack for the fireplaces.

He stood there for a little while looking at the result of my hard labor without acknowledging that I was there and then disappeared into the house. At that point I still had some hopes that he would allow me back inside but when I saw him coming out again with bread and some more water I knew that that was probably not going to happen. I spent the night in one of the stables being grateful for the horse blanket I was allowed to use and the bucket he put in the corner for me.





After waking up from a kick in the ribs on Tuesday morning, I was told that I had not stacked the firewood the right way and that I should do it again. Thinking back I think I must have stacked that damn pile of wood seven different times before he was satisfied. I could have sworn that it eventually ended up in the same place as I had put it the day before because I had put it with the other (giant) pile of wood but I wisely decided to keep my mouth shut.



He hosed me off before allowing me back in the house for my daily chores including cleaning the upstairs fireplace which possibly left me dirtier then the whole wood ordeal. He told me that I was too filthy to cook his dinner or to sleep in his bed that night so I was mentally preparing for another night in the stable. Luckily, he allowed me to share the cage with the dog instead which I was grateful for because she is always nice and warm.

Yesterday morning he filled the bath for me with bubbles and he made me a nice breakfast which he fed me while I was splashing around. It was so wonderful to spend some time with my Daddy.

I have muscle ache in places that I didn't even know existed.

But I really want one too!

Here's a picture of it. (Click on "vergroot" to enlarge it).

It looks yummy! I wonder if they have them in white chocolate with a cream filling as well. :D

Daddy just downloaded Saw IV for me...yay!! I've heard such good stories about it. (I thought thescaryevilguy was dead??)

Him: Why the fuck anyone would want to watch that shit is beyond me.
Me: You think I'm a freak, don't you?
Him: Of course you're a freak. That's why I married you.

Hehe...


Also, he's tinkering with my journal right now so please don't pay attention to what it looks like in the coming days.

Thick lip and dark bruises scattered all over my body.

Spent the afternoon writing 500 lines...

My first priority in life is to obey Daddy and I will trust that he makes the right decisions for me

I'm feeling wonderfully dirty and slutty because I have been walking around the house and doing my chores all day wearing sperm and blood stained panties. Sperm because Daddy had me suck his cock last night and he came all over me, blood because he violently used his nails while fingering my cunt. The pain was lovely and I came so hard that he stuffed his shirt inside my mouth. He doesn't always like a screamer.

Every time I pee, it burns and I can't decide whether to pee carefully and slowly or just put force behind it to get it over with as quickly as possible. Mild pain for minutes or the tears in my eyes sort of pain for just a moment?


He's thinking of a week of isolation next week but he said that he isn't going to put me into storage (closet, cage, box). It's going to be some sort of perverted vacation I think. Perhaps that's what I have been feeling in the air and that's why I've been so horny lately.

I smell like a cheap whore. :)

I watched Irréversible again the other day and while I think it's a good movie I have to say that I am not so fond of the rape scene. I'm not entirely sure why because I really enjoy watching that sort of porn and it's rare to come across 9 minutes of realistic violence like that. We collect movies with rape scenes so I have seen quite a few already but that one just doesn't do it for me.

I think it might be the sounds that the woman makes as she is raped which are rather annoying to me. Sound is more important to me than vision when it comes to these things so perhaps that's why I'm not really into this particular scene.

Anyway, I searched and found it (including the beating at the end) online and I thought I'd just post it here. It's dubbed in Russian (I think) but you can still hear the original thing underneath. I have discovered that if you turn off the sound it really doesn't matter what sounds come out of that slut. ;)

Rape scene


We were supposed to go to Germany tomorrow to meet a dominant female and her slave because Daddy is going to write an article about them. Unfortunately she had to cancel today because she is ill so it has been moved to next week. I'm usually not that much into male submission but it's going to be fun meeting them. It seems that there are way too few likeminded people that live close by.

I have been really horny lately. I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps there is something in the air.

I was very young when my mother died, leaving me alone with my father. What I remember most of that time is that I didn't see him very often because of his work. He was strict with me and I was rarely allowed to go anywhere or have many friends. But he was kind to me and I loved him.

One day, when I was older, he called me into his office and made clear to me what would be expected of me from that moment on. He told me that I was old enough to understand that a man has certain needs and that my mother had always been a very good wife to him. He said that he had been searching for a new friend for him but that he hadn't been very successful in the years since my mother died. I wanted to tell him that I didn't mind that he was looking for a new girlfriend and that he shouldn't be sad but he interrupted me and said that he had figured everything out.

He told me the answer to his problem was right in front of him and that he couldn't understand that he hadn't realized before that I was the person he was looking for. After all, out of all the people in the world, he loved me the most and he knew that he would never be able to trust another man to take care as well of me as he could. He added that since my mother had left him too early it would only be fair that I should take her place and take care of him.


"You want me to be happy, don't you?"

"Yes, daddy"


"And you love me, don't you?"

"Yes, daddy. Very much."


"And you want to stay with me forever?"

"I think so, daddy"


He said a lot of things that night and they all sounded completely logical to me.

From that moment on, he started molding me into the woman he wanted me to become: a good wife. I am now thirty years old and married to my Daddy. He is still very strict and when I fail to obey him he punishes me. But he also spoils me at times...he makes me very happy.

"Mommy" is not the female equivalent of "Daddy" to us.

The kind of Mommy my owner has in mind for me reminds me of the traditional evil stepmother you read about in fairytales. She would be evil, mean, perverted and sadistic towards the little girl in me.

Seriously, Cinderella's stepmother would go: "woah! Take it easy on the poor girl" after meeting your future Mommy

She would be the kind of woman who takes me to an amusement park, forces me to go on all the scary rides I never dared to go on and then takes me home to Daddy again to tell him about the wonderful time we had. She would also have qualities that you never read about in fairytales. My owner would take her into his bed and make love to her in front of me. I'd have to assist and make everything as comfortable as possible for them both and clean everything up afterwards.

I never thought that this sort of humiliation would be something appealing to me. I think the most humiliating thing about it is that I will be forced to address this obviously horrible woman with "Mommy" and that I have to love her because she makes my Daddy happy.


I find it strange that this excites me so much. I've always been the jealous type but not when it comes to this. I mainly feel happiness for my owner because it would mean that he has a dominant female to relate to and to spend time with. It would make him feel good and that is what it's all about for me.

But the fact that this whole thing excites me makes me feel confused and embarrassed. I'm having some difficulties accepting this perverted part of me.

Tomorrow we are going to meet a dominant female in Germany who lives about two hours away from here. It's funny how many of the possible candidates are German. Why is Germany apparently filled with dominant females?

I'm excited, nervous and scared right now but enjoying the stomach butterflies. :)

Daddy has been toying with the idea of finding me a Mommy for years now and he recently told me that he has started to actively search for one. I'm a bit hesitant to write about it in here because it seems like a sort of taboo subject or perhaps it's something that isn't very common because I rarely see it mentioned. Maybe we are looking in the wrong places.

She would be equal or submissive towards Daddy but dominant towards me. He is also considering finding another male to join us with the same qualities although (unlike a Mommy) he would not interact with Daddy in a sexual way.

Whichever way he chooses to go, I will always be the one on the bottom because apparently that is the place that suits me best.

I think it would be wonderful and exciting to have a Mommy but having experienced the (local) D/s community for almost 10 years now I'm afraid that it's going to be very difficult to find that genuine alpha female we are looking for.

How strange is it that I feel compelled to add to this post that we are not into adult baby play what so ever?

Spent most of the day getting the library in order which is a lot more work than I thought. I don't mind spending my days surrounded with books though and today I enjoyed finding some that I hadn't seen in years because they have been stuck in boxes all that time. I found a Douwe Dabbert comic and reading through it I suddenly understand why this was one of my favorites when I was little:



It's about a bratty princess who drives her father crazy by chasing off all her teachers. When the king decides to find another teacher for her, Douwe Dabbert is one of the many candidates that offer themselves for the job. Upon meeting him, the princess makes Douwe trip and fall after which he puts her across his lap for a spanking. Of course, being the spoiled girl that she is, the princess becomes very angry but the king sees that Douwe might be the person he's looking for and he puts his daughter into Douwe's care. He takes her out of the castle, into the wide (magical) world and they experience many adventures together. During their trip she slowly changes into a well behaved sweet young woman and when Douwe eventually brings her back to the castle everyone is pleasantly surprised by the new and improved princess.

I scanned (Daddy taught me how to scan – yay!) the spanking part which I think is so cool. I even made an icon out of it (learning how to work with Photoshop as well – woohoo). And when I checked if there was a Wikipedia article about it I discovered that the comic was published in 1977 which means Pauline (the princess) and I have the same birth year. Hehe. ;)


I really like the story of this comic. Before I met my Daddy I often felt like a spoiled princess and I wasn't very happy with myself a lot of times. But then he found me and he taught me how to be a good wife for him. And even though I am still being spoiled sometimes (and I have many more things to learn) I like myself much better now. Life is good.